The best is yet to come.

I’ve come to the realisation discussing mental health is hard. Embarrassing. Degrading. And humiliating. 

There’s a part of it that makes a person feel… I dunno vulnerable. People don’t understand how hard it is to discuss something you don’t understand yourself. 

How’d you tell people you’re sad when you don’t even know why? No bereavement, stress, etc etc just you being your regular smegular self but somehow getting through today is harder. Getting through today is crippling. But getting through today is the only choice you have. 

It’s difficult to not come across as someone with excuses. It’s hard to explain “yes, I understand what is required of me” (finish uni, go work, pay bills, look presentable etc etc) yet also explain getting up to go shower is an achievement right now. 

It’s hard to explain “yes I know this is my ‘routine’ and the path I have chosen” but I’m scared of what the future holds and if I even want to be in it. 

Being strong and fake happy is exhausting. 

‘Sorrow comes at night but joy comes in the morning’ but when’s morning? Cos I’m not sleeping through through the night and the exhaustion is agony. 

Do you know how hard it is to be tired but force yourself to go work so you’re distracted and don’t cry instead?

It’s horrible not to recognise yourself in the mirror. 

My mind is a silent disco, on a rollercoaster, running from sharks. 

Is it normal to feel as though your dreams are simply dreams? Cos a part of me wants to remain optimistic and believe I can fulfill them. But adulthood has already thrown me on the band wagon of “pay bills & die”. 

I’d rather physical pain over mental any day. 

“I may be low for now but I will bounce back”. J.Cole 

My distraction is people, fixing their problems. Attending to their needs. Reminding them everything will be okay and they are loved. 

Sometimes I need reminding too. My reminder is often not enough. 

Although it’d be wrong to state I’m not reminded by so many people that truly want the best for me. 

Will I ever be married? To the right person? At the ‘right’ time? Will I get the ‘dream’ house? Man forget all of that do I have enough money for next months phone bill?!

At what point in your life does the traumas of your past stop being your scapegoat? 

Above all the problem is I’m not the only person like this. 

Through all of this though 

I know I’ll be okay. Things fall into place at the right time. Just need reassurance as to when that time is. 

At the end of the day the best is yet to come.